Attractive married male not having his needs met at home

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Sarah Diefendorf does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment. Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson and his girlfriend, the singer Ciara, recently announced plans to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. It was a vow that came as a surprise to many. After all, sexual purity is a commitment that is historically expected of, associated with — even demanded of — women.

However, sexual abstinence is not something assumed of men, especially men like Russell Wilson. Wilson, an accomplished, attractive athlete, embodies contemporary ideals of masculinitywhich include style, wealth and, yes, sexual prowess. So how does a man like Russell Wilson navigate a commitment to abstinence while upholding ideals of masculinity? And what does it mean for the women they date, and might eventually marry? While men make this commitment with the good intentions for a fulfilling marriage and sex life, my research indicates that the beliefs about sexuality and gender that come hand in hand with these pledges of abstinence do not necessarily make for an easy transition to a married sexual life.

Here, Behar makes two assumptions. One is that sexual activity declines both with age and the time spent in a relationship. This is true. The second is that abstinence is not something you do before marriage.

Attractive married male not having his needs met at home

If we compare these s to the average age of first marriage in the United States — 27 for women, and 29 for men — we get the picture: most people are having sex before marriage. Most of the data that exist on this practice show that those who make the pledges will do so in high school, often by either ing a pledge card or Attractive married male not having his needs met at home a purity ring. Research on this population tells us a few things: that those who pledge are more likely to be young womenand that — regardless of gender — an abstinence pledge delays the onset of sexual activity by only 18 months.

Furthermore, taking a virginity pledge will often encourage other types of sexual behavior. I was curious about how men maintain pledges in light of these statistics, and also balance them with expectations about masculinity. So inI began researching a support group of 15 men at an Evangelical church in the Southwest.

Rather, the men of The River approach sex as something sacred, a gift from God meant to be enjoyed in the confines of the marriage bed. And it is precisely because of these so-called beastly elements that these men find each other in the same space every week. The men of The River grappled with pornography use, masturbation, lust and same-sex desire, all of which can potentially derail these men from their pledge. It raises an interesting dilemma: to these men, sex is both sacred and beastly. Yet the way they navigate this seeming contradiction actually allows them to exert their masculinity in line with the demands of Guyland.

Group members had an elaborate network of ability partners to help them resist temptations. While these behaviors may seem unusual, they work in ways that allow men to actually assert their masculinity. The River, as a support group, works largely in the same way. The men of The River believed that the time and work required to maintain these pledges would pay off in the form of a happy and healthy marriage.

Ciara, in discussing her commitment to abstinence with Russell Wilson, similarly added that she believes such a promise is important for creating a foundation of love and friendship. All but one had gotten married. Respondents reported that they still struggled with the beastly elements of sexuality.

Attractive married male not having his needs met at home

They also had the added concern of extramarital affairs. Furthermore — and perhaps most importantly — men no longer had the support to work through these temptations. First, respondents had been told, since they were young, that women were nonsexual. At the same time, these men had also been taught that their wives would be available for their pleasure.

These married men and women were not talking to each other about sex. Rather than freely discussing sex or temptation with their wives as they had done with their ability partnersthe men simply tried to suppress temptation by imagining the devastation any sexual deviations might cause their wives.

Second, these men could no longer reach out to their support networks due to their own ideals of masculinity. They had been promised a sacred gift: a sexually active, happy marriage.

Attractive married male not having his needs met at home

However, to open up about these continued struggles would be to admit failure as masculine, Christian man. In the end, the research indicates that a pledge of sexual abstinence works to uphold an ideal of masculinity that disadvantages both men and women. After 25 years of being told that sex is something dangerous that needs to be controlled, the transition to married and sexual life is difficult, at best, while leaving men without the support they need.

Women, meanwhile, are often left out of the conversation entirely. So when we urge abstinence in place of healthy conversations about sex and sexuality, we may be undermining the relationships that are the driving goal of these commitments in the first place. Plymouth Contemporary — Plymouth, Devon.

Edition: Available editions United Kingdom. Sarah DiefendorfUniversity of Washington.

Attractive married male not having his needs met at home

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