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By Laura Hensley March 15, Between deadbeat dudes, f-ck boys, ghosting and straight-up terrible first impressions, getting to know someone romantically can leave you feeling… drained. Just watch any season of The Bachelor or The Hills if you need further proof.
From not-so-discreet hook-up requests to poop-stained PJ pants, here are tragic things that have happened to us IRL. And to be clear: his actual height is a non-issue; lying about it was the downside.
Strike one: He said he preferred to spend his money on experiences rather than things. I immediately came up with an exit plan: I needed to pick up a gift for my niece at Sephora.
He followed me to the store, sharing his thoughts on makeup and opinions on girls who wear too much of it all the way. We did not go on a second date. After hearing a few success stories, I decided to give it a shot again. I was 24 and living with my parents and figured new year, new me, right? He then proceeded to tell me about his anti-sex Catholic upbringing, his desire for a homemaking wife and his penchant for feet.
Turns out, he had other plans. A week later, he appeared at my place of employment… for a—wait for it— interview. He reached a whole new level of creep. Once he got hired, I requested shift times that did Horrible stories about online dating overlap with his. Eventually, he got fired for harassing a client, which I warned my boss about at the time. Hate to say I told you so, but… JK, I love it. When I was 17, this guy from the high school across town would not stop texting me.
Anyway, this dude kept asking me to hang out at his house—which I was not at all interested Horrible stories about online dating I switched it up and asked him to meet me at the local coffee shop. I figured, this way, I could see if he was down to talk or if he just wanted to hookup. Unsurprisingly, it was the latter. The kicker? We went to the same party a few weeks later, and he a acted like nothing had happened, and b tried to make a move.
Gross, huh? After online dating for a while, I was so over exchanging endless text messages before actually making plans for a first date. Instead, if a dude seemed to have decent spelling and a job, I was down to meet up and decide in-person if there was something there.
I set up one such first date at the pub down the street from my house. In the hour leading up to the date, my phone would not. And then he did—wearing grey sweatpants and a Bob Marley t-shirt. We sat down in a booth and he immediately starting talking about everything from his childhood to his job.
I started ordering doubles. He mentioned that he was an inventor at heart, and that one day, he was going to be so successful that he would be in a photo with the then-U. OK, so what are some ideas you have for inventions? I asked.
He proceeded to tell me about how he wanted to revolutionize the typical kitchen, constructing a wall with a variety of different sized slots in it. After eating on these dishes, the user would put it into the appropriate slot where it would go into the wall, get washed, dried and put away. When T-Wash, as he has now become known, got up to go to the bathroom, I texted my friends to tell them the date was a dud. They agreed to meet me at the subway station and when T came back, I informed him that I had to get going.
As soon as my debit payment went through, I waved goodbye and booked it Horrible stories about online dating of the bar. It was only when I was recounting this story to my friends later that night that we realized, T was stoned the entire time.
In the summer between my third and fourth year of university, I went on the worst date ever. The rest of the walk back was spent listening to him talk about how he and his friends always do that between shovelling pieces of smoked salmon in his mouth. I was SO ready for bed by the time we got to his house, but JK there was no bed for me and apparently not even Horrible stories about online dating couch. Instead, he led me to a sleeping bag wedged between a treadmill and a toy box in a basement that looked like it was straight out of a horror movie. We dated for a couple of months until I was unceremoniously ghosted.
I moved on and eventually my roommates and I moved to a new apartment where we decided to make some extra drinking money by holding an impromptu yard sale. She handed me the pants and asked me to look inside. There it was, on one of the last artifacts of our crappy relationship: a shart stain. I wordlessly gave the woman her toonie back, threw the soiled jammies in a sewer and collapsed in laughter with my two best friends. So, she flew back, and my then-boyfriend and I decided we would take on the hour journey.
Everything was going totally fine, until one particular pit stop. I went Horrible stories about online dating a cheese shop in Quebec, solo, and came out to find him scratching at the hood of the car with the back of the keys. I asked him what the hell he was doing, and he said he was trying to get bird poop off of the hood. Like, fine, but with the back of the keys?!
Needless to say, he left a pretty noticeable mark in the paint, and we spent the rest of the drive stressing about how we were going to fix it and what we were going to say to my dad who was waiting for us in Ottawa. Fun side note: my dad was about to meet this boyfriend for the first time.
We ended up deciding that I would take the fall, because my dad had to love me, you know? When I told him, he asked Horrible stories about online dating how I could be so stupid. Let me preface this story by disclosing that this experience happened during a dark, dark period of my love life. I was walking into a dive bar with a friend on a chilly Saturday night a few Decembers ago when she bumped into a co-worker outside. Her co-worker was with a group of his pals, and one of them was particularly intoxicated and tragic: he introduced himself to me by revealing he had just been dumped.
I was trying to be polite and made small talk about how relationships are the worst la la la la. I still cannot understand why on Earth I gave this man mybut before we parted ways, I forked over my digits. In the second stupid move of this story, after he texted me, I agreed to go on a date with this weirdo.
Like the time we first met, he showed up drunk. Now realizing the mistake I had made, I excused myself to the washroom and left him at the bar. As I was leaving the washroom, I heard a huge scuffle and saw bodies jumping in to break up a fight.
I wish getting booted out of a bar was enough to turn me away, but like I said, it was a dark time in my life.
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12 real-life first date horror stories — from one date who pooped their pants to another who was openly sexist